“In the end
these things matter most:
these things matter most:
How well did you love?
How fully did you live?
How deeply did you let go?”
― Gautama Buddha
i think it's fine that people talked behind my back. they talk what they want to talk, they hear want they want to hear and they see what they want to see. they have their own perception of me - be it bad or good. and i cant stop them from talking, even now that i know that they are actually talking.
betrayals are always the essential part of life. even the Prophet has been betrayed before. and i think the fact that we being betrayed by the people we really trust is the worst. i really wish these kind of people is skinned and burn to ashes in a special hell.
thanks for talking shit about me. i hope we actually know each other so you could actually prove what you say to all your funny friends. karma is behind you, bitch.
the last time somebody stabbed my back was when im in the fifth form. it felt like shit that that bitch and i still havent talk to each other since then.
past few days when life fucked up, i turned to someone whos actually not a close friend to me but rather a mutual and related to the issue - who i really trust with my whole life.
i asked her to deliver some message to someone, believing she would really delivers it to that someone, seeing how she consoled me with warm words.
turned out she still hasnt deliver the message up till now. im so disappointed i dont know what to say. i really dont know what to say.
it's 11:50pm and Iman hasnt texted me at all today after that call. im so broken i ate everything i could, i jogged for hours till my heart was going to burst, i listened to stupid love songs and everything cant fix me anymore.
i just couldnt see him with someone else. today it felt like i have thousands of reason to kill myself. i hate this hole in ny heart. i hate this broken feeling. i dont even know what to think.
my heart really broke this time.
i used to be so fucking overwhelmed on wanting to display my relationship to the world, like wishing Iman's birthday on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and everywhere possible.
yesterday was Iman's birthday and i wonder if i was the first person to wish him. i didnt wish him on the social sites. and then my heart broke to see that if i dont bother to wish him on twitter, other people would be glad to do that on their behalf.
im dying of wanting to be the special one in his eyes and im dying to want everybody to know that. but is it too late now?
my friends are getting married with some of them are engaged. the feeling of the need to get married is such a burden for me. it's not like i dont want to get married or anything - i do want to get married. i do want to have my own family. i have my own fantasy of my dream wedding. but as i grow older each year i will always get the question "bila nak kahwin?". i started having those questions since i was 18 so the pressure is building up.
my views on getting married in your early twenties are more on the bad side than the good side. well of course it's a good deed to get married - it's a sunnah some more, but with the hormones still ranging and the boiling blood (lol) i dont think it's wise to get married early. i have my own dreams and goals and it still has a long way to go.
plus, who wants to marry me?
my views on getting married in your early twenties are more on the bad side than the good side. well of course it's a good deed to get married - it's a sunnah some more, but with the hormones still ranging and the boiling blood (lol) i dont think it's wise to get married early. i have my own dreams and goals and it still has a long way to go.
plus, who wants to marry me?
Hingga Akhir Waktu by Nineball
it was a very beautiful day. you took me a ride in your dad's old van. that place was breath-taking. it was beyond beautiful. as you put it, "the literal heaven on earth". the clouds were like marshmallows. the skies were azure. and the road we rode on in between the green paddy fields was almost like painting. i switched off the a/c and rolled down the window. i took out my hand and felt the wind against us on my palm.
you were singing our favorite song, singing along to the radio. i looked at you and you smiled at me. and as you mouthed the lyrics you looked at me again, meaning each and every word that you said. you took my right hand and squeezed it, like you were scared that i was letting go. but i wasn't. and i will not. not in that moment, where there were no words for me to write how wonderful it felt.
the road ahead of us were winding yet it looked like it still has a long way to go. i was thinking when we reached our home later, will you still sing me our song and squeeze my hand firmly? i was still smiling at you, and i prayed hard in my head that the road will never end and that we would not need to get out of this van.
today, as i rode on my own car on this road, the radio played our song. i looked on my left and see myself four years ago when each and every word of the lyric to our song you sang for me with such emotion that i need no questioning. the road did end. we reached our home. but today when i get home later, i'll get back to my own.
12th February, 2015. Padang, Indonesia.
you were singing our favorite song, singing along to the radio. i looked at you and you smiled at me. and as you mouthed the lyrics you looked at me again, meaning each and every word that you said. you took my right hand and squeezed it, like you were scared that i was letting go. but i wasn't. and i will not. not in that moment, where there were no words for me to write how wonderful it felt.
the road ahead of us were winding yet it looked like it still has a long way to go. i was thinking when we reached our home later, will you still sing me our song and squeeze my hand firmly? i was still smiling at you, and i prayed hard in my head that the road will never end and that we would not need to get out of this van.
today, as i rode on my own car on this road, the radio played our song. i looked on my left and see myself four years ago when each and every word of the lyric to our song you sang for me with such emotion that i need no questioning. the road did end. we reached our home. but today when i get home later, i'll get back to my own.
12th February, 2015. Padang, Indonesia.
quick update:
I. i just got back from my first solo trip to Padang and the four days were some of the best days of my life. sharing the picture later.
II. by the time i reached KL, i checked my semester 2 exam results and i got in the Dean's List.
III. Tasha and Amal came to JB so i took them around the city and they loved Johor delicacies especially Kcang Pool.
IV. i brought home cocoa seeds to plant.
I. i just got back from my first solo trip to Padang and the four days were some of the best days of my life. sharing the picture later.
II. by the time i reached KL, i checked my semester 2 exam results and i got in the Dean's List.
III. Tasha and Amal came to JB so i took them around the city and they loved Johor delicacies especially Kcang Pool.
IV. i brought home cocoa seeds to plant.
it's only the ninth day since the new year and it's not too late to start fresh. i reflected on myself a lot tonight, i promise to change to be a better person and girlfriend.
all in all, i will cherish and appreciate you more than before. thank you for still loving me and for opening the doors to our house. i will love you a lot more and i will love long.
i dont know which is more horrible
the fact that i am very dependent on my medications or the fact that i still cant move on
the fact that i cry all of a sudden or the fact that i feel like cutting off my limbs all the time
the fact that should i jump or should i keep pretending that everything is fine an keep being 'sane'.
12:26 am 1 January 2015
i made countless calls and it all were left unanswered until his phone was switched off. like a stupid person, i kept on dialing hoping it will get through him. and him blocking me on twitter. it's only been a few minutes of the new year and i am already crying frantically.
i hate how i am so absorbed with what he said like 'i miss you a lot more' but he never made any single call or send any single text.
i laughed so hard during the day and cried so hard at night. dear Lord, i dont know what to do.
i just went for a solo adventure at Zoo Negara. walked in the rain for 3 hours because i need to complete this to-do list shit before 2015 enters next two days. what let me down were how expensive a kid umbrella is (RM20) (panda-motive - is it bcs it has panda ear flaps..?) and the fact that today was raining. and how i really wanted to go to the zoo with Iman but in the end i came alone.
i made memories in 2014 - good and bad. but all in all 2014 is such a shitty year. i'm moving on.
2015:
1) be stronger
2) be more independent
3) get car license
4) solo trip to Padang on February
5) tour trip to Singapore (hunt for Honey Creme) on March
6) be prettier so Iman will be sorry for his ass
7) maybe China / Japan / Korea / Australia solo trip?
8) go to more concerts
9) be healthier
10) get married?
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