tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32793790744889234142024-03-19T20:31:07.798+08:00milky hairHananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.comBlogger393125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-18853534130512195462015-03-22T20:59:00.002+08:002015-03-22T20:59:40.839+08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: right;">
despite all these fights, </div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
im going to love you</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
even more tomorrow</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
and every tomorrow</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
if one day u stop<br />
to love me and leaving<br />
just want u to know that<br />
baby your the best :'-)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
there were no storms we could not weather but who are we to actually think everything would go according to long-made plans? that day came and i have stopped loving you and i have left you and this house and everything that were about us. no pictures left untaken, no words left unsaid. but what is more important now is that no pictures and messages left undeleted. not even a single piece. all that is left are the marks you left on my skin and forehead and all these memories in my head that would probably need another 3 years to be erased. with another one and a half year left to be the only reason for me to be here where every single place reminds me of you, it might be hard now to endure but i believe this upcoming one and a half year will be much more better without you.<br />
<br />
i would like to thank all of you who actually were happy for me and Iman and prayed the best for us and thought of us once in a while. you know who you are and i am very grateful to have met positive people like all of you despite knowing everything that i have been through. really, i am very thankful being given the chance to know beautiful people like all of you and you guys deserve good things in life. i would like to thank the people who has been objecting this relationship since day one because believe me, know i know what you guys were trying to tell me before. and you guys win.<br />
<br />
these past two years and 7 months taught me so many things that i didnt know. some were wonderful experiences while some were so bitter i rather forget. so many things in our bucketlist that havent been done yet and probably never will. with so many plans and hopes and dreams, those would never guarantee it will not end like this. i am glad i know you, and i am happy to loved you. and thank you for loving me (if you actually did) and for everything you have done for me. i always wanted to believe that you and i are soulmates, but maybe it's time to move on and stop dreaming? i forgive everything. and i really want to forget everything too. but if our fate intertwined once again later in the future, what are we going to do?<br />
<br />
march has been a very hard month for me. but i hope the upcoming months would be better. this is my last post here. thank you for reading all these times. i hope you all have a long and happy life.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
Hanani / Eli Jay</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
22nd March, 2015</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
20:59pm</div>
</div>
Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-55958574801549426302015-03-21T19:52:00.001+08:002015-03-21T19:55:45.153+08:00to the point where heartache isnt hurt anymore, i keep on striving and giving my best for this relationship. i wish the pain is inflicted on the physique because scars heal and besides, at least you can see it with your own eyes. but the pain is internal and it's not like you can dig your heart out of your ribs to wind it with bandage and ointment or something. it is so frustrating because the pain is there but you cant do anything about it. you let the pain infested in your heart to the point that i have reached now; that it doesnt feel hurt anymore.<div><br></div><div>i am quitting from my social networking sites including this one, and probably from my life too. good bye.</div>Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-66204556437851770822015-03-21T19:48:00.001+08:002015-03-21T19:48:03.675+08:00all i want right now is either:<div><br></div><div>i) reborn back to being a baby, or;</div><div>ii) being dead</div>Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-6387545336382922812015-03-20T23:09:00.001+08:002015-03-20T23:09:12.463+08:00i am missing you so bad. <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">and it is so hard to let go. </span><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">i know you are reading this. dont you miss me badly too? </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">what happened to us? </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"></3</span></div>Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-68782561033772565492015-03-19T23:06:00.001+08:002015-03-22T21:01:44.149+08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="quote" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(215, 215, 215); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; overflow: hidden; padding: 10px 0px; width: 625px;">
<div class="quoteDetails" style="float: left; margin-right: 12px; width: 518px;">
<div class="quoteText" style="padding: 0px 5px 10px 0px;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">“In the end<br />these things matter most: </span></div>
<div class="quoteText" style="padding: 0px 5px 10px 0px;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br />How well did you love?<br />How fully did you live?<br />How deeply did you let go?” </span></div>
<div class="quoteText" style="padding: 0px 5px 10px 0px;">
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br />― Gautama Buddha</span></div>
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</div>
Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-46035004698610652992015-03-15T07:43:00.001+08:002015-03-15T07:43:55.005+08:00i think it's fine that people talked behind my back. they talk what they want to talk, they hear want they want to hear and they see what they want to see. they have their own perception of me - be it bad or good. and i cant stop them from talking, even now that i know that they are actually talking.<div><br></div><div>betrayals are always the essential part of life. even the Prophet has been betrayed before. and i think the fact that we being betrayed by the people we really trust is the worst. i really wish these kind of people is skinned and burn to ashes in a special hell.</div><div><br></div><div>thanks for talking shit about me. i hope we actually know each other so you could actually prove what you say to all your funny friends. karma is behind you, bitch.</div>Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-15518830817954694612015-03-12T08:11:00.001+08:002015-03-12T08:11:26.219+08:00the last time somebody stabbed my back was when im in the fifth form. it felt like shit that that bitch and i still havent talk to each other since then. <div><br></div><div>past few days when life fucked up, i turned to someone whos actually not a close friend to me but rather a mutual and related to the issue - who i really trust with my whole life.</div><div><br></div><div>i asked her to deliver some message to someone, believing she would really delivers it to that someone, seeing how she consoled me with warm words. </div><div><br></div><div>turned out she still hasnt deliver the message up till now. im so disappointed i dont know what to say. i really dont know what to say.</div>Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-79888101274550449542015-03-12T02:39:00.001+08:002015-03-12T02:39:03.000+08:00as always, we got back again and working things out. adult style. <div><br></div><div>my heart blooms like a spring flower.</div>Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-14700364652377075522015-03-04T23:54:00.001+08:002015-03-04T23:54:40.464+08:00it's 11:50pm and Iman hasnt texted me at all today after that call. im so broken i ate everything i could, i jogged for hours till my heart was going to burst, i listened to stupid love songs and everything cant fix me anymore.<div><br></div><div>i just couldnt see him with someone else. today it felt like i have thousands of reason to kill myself. i hate this hole in ny heart. i hate this broken feeling. i dont even know what to think.</div><div><br></div><div>my heart really broke this time.</div>Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-54111229165455102112015-02-25T09:41:00.001+08:002015-02-25T09:41:03.365+08:00"why were u at one time so happy with me and then on one time u were so mad at me?"<div><br></div><div>that's what bipolar does. i thought u know. who am i joking to think that u could pay attention on those small details? im fighting this alone - drugless and loveless.</div>Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-54139884717123164882015-02-25T09:35:00.001+08:002015-02-25T09:35:40.448+08:00i used to be so fucking overwhelmed on wanting to display my relationship to the world, like wishing Iman's birthday on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and everywhere possible. <div><br></div><div>yesterday was Iman's birthday and i wonder if i was the first person to wish him. i didnt wish him on the social sites. and then my heart broke to see that if i dont bother to wish him on twitter, other people would be glad to do that on their behalf. </div><div><br></div><div>im dying of wanting to be the special one in his eyes and im dying to want everybody to know that. but is it too late now?</div>Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-69702456166986661382015-02-22T20:39:00.001+08:002015-02-22T20:39:50.911+08:00happy birthday daddy ❤️Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-71070858448183601412015-02-18T14:12:00.001+08:002015-02-18T14:12:31.194+08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">my friends are getting married with some of them are engaged. the feeling of the need to get married is such a burden for me. it's not like i dont want to get married or anything - i do want to get married. i do want to have my own family. i have my own fantasy of my dream wedding. but as i grow older each year i will always get the question "bila nak kahwin?". i started having those questions since i was 18 so the pressure is building up. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">my views on getting married in your early twenties are more on the bad side than the good side. well of course it's a good deed to get married - it's a sunnah some more, but with the hormones still ranging and the boiling blood (lol) i dont think it's wise to get married early. i have my own dreams and goals and it still has a long way to go. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">plus, who wants to marry me?</span></div>
Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-7759704891817517202015-02-17T00:04:00.001+08:002015-02-17T00:04:25.604+08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">some raw pictures from my Padang trip.</span></div>
<br /></div>
Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-30558355123296305162015-02-16T23:31:00.005+08:002015-02-16T23:31:56.785+08:00Hingga Akhir Waktu by Nineball<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">it was a very beautiful day. you took me a ride in your dad's old van. that place was breath-taking. it was beyond beautiful. as you put it, "the literal heaven on earth". the clouds were like marshmallows. the skies were azure. and the road we rode on in between the green paddy fields was almost like painting. i switched off the a/c and rolled down the window. i took out my hand and felt the wind against us on my palm.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">you were singing our favorite song, singing along to the radio. i looked at you and you smiled at me. and as you mouthed the lyrics you looked at me again, meaning each and every word that you said. you took my right hand and squeezed it, like you were scared that i was letting go. but i wasn't. and i will not. not in that moment, where there were no words for me to write how wonderful it felt.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">the road ahead of us were winding yet it looked like it still has a long way to go. i was thinking when we reached our home later, will you still sing me our song and squeeze my hand firmly? i was still smiling at you, and i prayed hard in my head that the road will never end and that we would not need to get out of this van.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">today, as i rode on my own car on this road, the radio played our song. i looked on my left and see myself four years ago when each and every word of the lyric to our song you sang for me with such emotion that i need no questioning. the road did end. we reached our home. but today when i get home later, i'll get back to my own.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>12th February, 2015. Padang, Indonesia.</i></span></div>
Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-13693429510058237842015-02-14T12:58:00.001+08:002015-02-14T12:58:28.718+08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">quick update:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I. i just got back from my first solo trip to Padang and the four days were some of the best days of my life. sharing the picture later.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">II. by the time i reached KL, i checked my semester 2 exam results and i got in the Dean's List.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">III. Tasha and Amal came to JB so i took them around the city and they loved Johor delicacies especially Kcang Pool. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">IV. i brought home cocoa seeds to plant.</span></div>
Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-61669225399858759232015-02-10T08:14:00.001+08:002015-02-10T08:14:43.270+08:00solo adventure starts today! Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-85388593253060777622015-02-04T15:16:00.001+08:002015-02-04T15:16:44.026+08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">i miss you feat. come back</span></div>
Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-4678086818524236942015-02-02T12:48:00.001+08:002015-02-02T12:48:57.838+08:00letting go so it does not hurt anymore.Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-19677912723595655132015-01-09T01:45:00.001+08:002015-01-09T01:45:23.576+08:00it's only the ninth day since the new year and it's not too late to start fresh. i reflected on myself a lot tonight, i promise to change to be a better person and <i>girlfriend</i>.<div><br></div><div>all in all, i will cherish and appreciate you more than before. thank you for still loving me and for opening the doors to our house. i will love you a lot more and i will love long.</div>Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-2511365368120254022015-01-08T13:37:00.001+08:002015-01-08T13:37:01.149+08:00i dont know which is more horrible<div><br></div><div>the fact that i am very dependent on my medications or the fact that i still cant move on</div><div><br></div><div>the fact that i cry all of a sudden or the fact that i feel like cutting off my limbs all the time</div><div><br></div><div>the fact that should i jump or should i keep pretending that everything is fine an keep being 'sane'.</div>Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-45541529878377907442015-01-01T00:29:00.001+08:002015-01-01T00:29:57.103+08:0012:26 am 1 January 2015<div><br></div><div>i made countless calls and it all were left unanswered until his phone was switched off. like a stupid person, i kept on dialing hoping it will get through him. and him blocking me on twitter. it's only been a few minutes of the new year and i am already crying frantically. </div><div><br></div><div>i hate how i am so absorbed with what he said like 'i miss you a lot more' but he never made any single call or send any single text. </div><div><br></div><div>i laughed so hard during the day and cried so hard at night. dear Lord, i dont know what to do. </div>Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-6056381985956604662014-12-29T15:58:00.001+08:002014-12-29T15:58:20.862+08:00i just went for a solo adventure at Zoo Negara. walked in the rain for 3 hours because i need to complete this to-do list shit before 2015 enters next two days. what let me down were how expensive a kid umbrella is (RM20) (panda-motive - is it bcs it has panda ear flaps..?) and the fact that today was raining. and how i really wanted to go to the zoo with Iman but in the end i came alone. <div><br></div><div>i made memories in 2014 - good and bad. but all in all 2014 is such a shitty year. i'm moving on. </div><div><br></div><div>2015:</div><div>1) be stronger</div><div>2) be more independent</div><div>3) get car license</div><div>4) solo trip to Padang on February</div><div>5) tour trip to Singapore (hunt for Honey Creme) on March</div><div>6) be prettier so Iman will be sorry for his ass</div><div>7) maybe China / Japan / Korea / Australia solo trip?</div><div>8) go to more concerts</div><div>9) be healthier</div><div>10) get married?</div>Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-21197541165652681572014-12-21T22:52:00.001+08:002014-12-21T22:52:10.437+08:00do we really need a reason why to love a person? because the last time i loved someone, i dont have any reasons why. and yet, another disappointment. <div><br></div><div>i guess i dont really understand what is love and how to love. im just like a fool.</div>Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3279379074488923414.post-42800702761133122742014-12-21T22:39:00.001+08:002014-12-21T22:39:07.086+08:00tonight she cut herself again. this time the wound was deeper and the blood was much more than before. as she tried to swallow the pain all his words kept replaying in her head, making the pain more cruciating. she knew this would happen. she knew she was stupid. stupid enough to cut the same place over and over again. that was her way of not letting the wound heal and creates a scar. as she wiped the blood and the tears, she wondered to herself again, "will i ever let this wound heal?"Hananihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12402918100066458979noreply@blogger.com0