Hingga Akhir Waktu by Nineball

it was a very beautiful day. you took me a ride in your dad's old van. that place was breath-taking. it was beyond beautiful. as you put it, "the literal heaven on earth". the clouds were like marshmallows. the skies were azure. and the road we rode on in between the green paddy fields was almost like painting. i switched off the a/c and rolled down the window. i took out my hand and felt the wind against us on my palm.

you were singing our favorite song, singing along to the radio. i looked at you and you smiled at me. and as you mouthed the lyrics you looked at me again, meaning each and every word that you said. you took my right hand and squeezed it, like you were scared that i was letting go. but i wasn't. and i will not. not in that moment, where there were no words for me to write how wonderful it felt.

the road ahead of us were winding yet it looked like it still has a long way to go. i was thinking when we reached our home later, will you still sing me our song and squeeze my hand firmly? i was still smiling at you, and i prayed hard in my head that the road will never end and that we would not need to get out of this van.

today, as i rode on my own car on this road, the radio played our song. i looked on my left and see myself four years ago when each and every word of the lyric to our song you sang for me with such emotion that i need no questioning. the road did end. we reached our home. but today when i get home later, i'll get back to my own.


12th February, 2015. Padang, Indonesia.

they talk about marijuana most of the time, like how fast they got stoned with different types of weed, or the stupid things they did or said when they were high. all i could do was smile sincerely and laugh because it was really funny - really. then they asked me, "what about you?"

i said i cant really tolerate the feeling when the thing got into my system. i said how come you guys can get so wasted laughing shits and all because all i could feel is the serious headache. like somebody is pounding my head with a mortar except it's not the literal. i said i just felt really heavy and sleepy and my boyfriend said dont fall asleep because you'll get dizzier after that.

they asked me whether i fall asleep, i said no. because my boyfriend tried really hard not to make me sleep, he told me funny stories and played trippy songs so i could feel trippy. they said did your boyfriend not high that time, i said of course he did. he was with me.  they said wow if i was your boyfriend i would just let you get into your own head.

and then i said, "well clearly he's trying to protect me."

"makan ajalah sakit yang ni", untuk kali yang dia sudah hilang kiraan, katanya dengan harapan method tradisionalnya ini akan berkesan untuk sogok diri sendiri, lagi.

dia tarik selimut pelan-pelan selubung batang badannya, dan acah konon seperti dalam drama Melayu --- yang patah hati itu tidur sendiri, menyeka air mata sendiri, dan sendiri-sendiri. kuat mana dia cuba alirkan air mata, pada hujungnya dia sedar air matanya sudah kering.

"Lelaki ni, semuanya sama. Tak ada slight beza." ujar Ali yang berbaring atas hammock, lengan kirinya menopang kepala, dengan kaca mata hitam yang dibeli di Bazar Karat terletak elok pada dadanya, lalu dia menghembus asap rokok. Matanya terkebil-kebil terkena asap.

Oh ya, Ali is a girl.

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"I macam kenal perempuan yang kat gambar dalam wallet you oh" aku cakap kat dia, ada satu pagi tu, antara hari-hari Ahad yang pernah kami spend bersama. Muka terkejut habis, dia pandang aku dan dia tanya 'gambar mana?'. "Ada, gambar you dengan perempuan rambut panjang. Terselit celah-celah kad bank dengan resit".

Dan mata masing-masing tertumpu pada wallet yang sama. Bezanya, aku tak senyum dan dia seems speechless.

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the first day she worked there was rather...you know, hard. till she met her team's leader, Patrick. no, this is not love at the first sight. it was rather disgust at the first sight. Patrick was merely cold, show-off and all the negative sides you can think of. and she thought, what in the God's name should her bestowed upon such 'luck'?


Patrick gave her a really hard time on work. though they have two other teammates, it seems Patrick made it looked like she was the only teammate there. but soon enough they developed a relationship in the name of best of friends. and they did. she was Patrick's bestfriend but not to her. Patrick was her crush.


for quite few years they held on that kind of relationship. it gave them the permission to had lunch or dinner together, watch movies together, everything together, only the two of them. but not towards the other two teammates. they were definitely not blind. there was love in the air. and they can smelled it was one-sided.


the three of them knew Patrick had a girlfriend. i mean, have a girlfriend at that time. and the three of them had such a hard time to figure out whether Patrick was toying on her or he just simply being Mr. Best Friend. till one day she couldn't held back her feelings any longer she shoved it all to Patrick. "all these years i'd been having a feeling towards you and i know you knew. i just want to know are you feeling the same way too?" and just as she thought, Patrick said no.


and later Patrick was not Patrick anymore. 


Patrick came to his 'senses' and became the Patrick the first day she met him. the cold-hearted Patrick. the heratless Patrick. Patrick the jerk. 


and she quit.


shit. apa punya cerita lah.

i was sipping the oolong tea i ordered approximately 6 minutes ago when i saw a really beautiful woman walked in the cafe. she was very pretty, wearing a lacey pastel pink dress, with a brown oxford shoes. her hair was slightly brownish, long and straight. she has that dolly typed of face. she carried along some thick books on her arms and she was alone, i assumed since she was, alone.

i pretended that her beauty doesn't affect my focus towards my tea so i quickly sipped the tea back as if i was not looking at her since the first step she made in front of the door. but i know she knew i was looking at her. i think it was clearly written on my forehead that i was actually not looking. i was observing. she carved a warm smile to me and she went towards the table next to mine. she sat on the chair behind me and i absolutely lost a part of my senses to her sweet vanilla fragrance.

this woman really got me thinking: what is her name? what typed of perfume does she wears? is she originally has that straight hair? and questions kept listing. i added one tiny cube of sugar into my tea and i stirred it real slow. i heard the sound of her flipping the pages of one of those thick books and sometimes i heard her giggled. and then her cellphone rang.

i stirred my tea.

"hello?" 

her voice was so gentle.

"iya ini Ananda"

oh so she is an Indo, i told myself.

"iya. jadi wedding dressnya udah siap? ok saya ke sana. mungkin dalam 30 menit saya tiba lagian saya di Ampang ni sekalian mahu jemput fiancee saya. ok daa". and she hung up the call.

she packed her books and her things. she walked quickly passed me towards the door. she stepped out of the cafe and slowly her figure vanished from my sight.

i stopped stirring. her sweet smell still lingers.

petang tu, hujan renyai-renyai. saya baru pulang dari sekolah. handphone saya kehabisan bateri jadi saya tanggalkan kedua-dua earphone yang saya sumbat dalam kedua-dua telinga saya. saya berhenti sekejap, nak masukkan handphone dalam beg. dan saya dengar satu bunyi.

meow.


saya pandang kanan. saya fokus pada lantai kaki lima. saya ternampak seekor anak kucing berwarna putih. tak jauh dari saya, ada dua orang budak lelaki sedang berkejar-kejaran. kalau saya tak angkat anak kucing tu, pasti budak-budak tu pijak. jadi saya cepat-cepat pergi dan angkat anak kucing tu, yang mulanya terbaring dengan kedua matanya tertutup. 

saya masukkan anak kucing tu di bawah tudung sekolah saya, halang dia dari terkena air hujan. dan saya berjalan menuju ke rumah. saya letak dia atas sofa dan saya selimutkan dengan sapu tangan saya. pada masa tu, matanya terbuka. dan matanya berwarna biru. biru yang paling cantik yang pernah saya lihat.


badannya menggigil. saya usap-usap kepalanya. "mana mama awak?" saya tanya. saya tahu anak kucing itu tak akan jawab soalan saya. dia mengiau. lemah. tunggu sini, saya kata. saya pergi ke dapur, ambil susu HL dari dalam peti sejuk dan tuang ke dalam sebuah mangkuk kecil. saya bawa mangkuk tu ke ruang tamu semula.


saya cicip jari telunjuk saya pada susu itu dan suakan pada mulut dia. saya suruh anak kucing tu jilat. macam lah dia faham apa yang saya cakap. tapi dia tetap terbaring. saya sapukan susu di jari saya tu pada mulutnya. dan dia mula menjilat.


saya suakan lagi jari telunjuk saya pada mulutnya. dia menjilat untuk beberapa kali sebelum berhenti menjilat. dia pandang tepat ke arah mata saya, mengiau dan matanya ditutup. saya fikir mungkin dia mahu tidur. jadi saya biarkan. saya letak mangkuk di atas lantai dan saya duduk betul-betul mengadap anak kucing tu.


tak lama lepas tu, baru saya perasan yang perut anak kucing tu tidak turun naik. 


saya usap kepala dia. baby..baby.. saya panggil dia. tapi matanya tak terbuka. badannya tak bergerak. badannya sejuk. saya terduduk.


baru saya faham yang anak kucing tu dah mati.


kebetulan, abang saya balik dari kerja. saya minta dia galikan lubang untuk tanam anak kucing tu. saya balut anak kucing tu dengan sapu tangan yang saya buat untuk selimutkan dia dan saya masukkan dia dalam lubang yang abang saya gali. saya marahkan diri saya. what if mama anak kucing tu datang dan tengok anak dai dah tak ada? what if kalau saya tak bawa anak kucing tu balik, dia tak akan mati? saya jadi ralat.


saya cuci tangan, masuk ke bilik dan tergesa-gesa sambungkan wayar charger ke handphone saya. saya hidupkan handphone saya. ada 3 sms. 2 daripada boifren saya dan satu dari nombor yang tidak saya kenal.


saya tekan butang Read dan saya terkedu. dan saya terus menangis semahu-mahunya.


terima kasih bagi saya minum susu.

aku duduk di hall, atas sofa, dengan semangkuk potato chips atas riba aku. dia dari tadi menaip dekat sudut living room.


"what are you up to?" kerja, dia jawab. simple.
"you want some? kalau tak habis" dia geleng, suruh aku habiskan semua.


diam.


"won't you talk to me?"aku tanya. aku directed my torso towards him. he paused his typing, and looked at me. "i'm working, love. i don't have time to talk" and he continued.


then my phone rang. i took a glance and it appeared the name 'Ex-Boyfriend'. tak fikir banyak, aku tekan butang merah. siapa call, dia tanya. aku jawab, "no one."


"but a single call could damage a relationship."


dia berhenti menaip, datang dan duduk sebelah aku. ambil satu keping chip dalam mangkuk dan dia kata,


"let's talk."

ok, bayangkan aku macam sebuah pagar rumah. yang ada dua side. yang kau perlu buka untuk masuk. tapi jangan bayangkan aku pagar automatik. bayangkan aku sebuah pagar manual. yang kau perlu tutup secara manual, kunci secara manual. 


dan bayangkan diri kau seorang anak kecil yang ibu kau larang dari keluar rumah tanpa dia. kerana apa ibu kau larang? kerana di luar banyak anjing liar. ibu risau anjing akan fikir kau sebagai makanan. jadi ibu larang kau keluar dari rumah.


dan bayangkan kau sangat-sangat ingin keluar. sangat-sangat nak main dekat playground yang betul-betul depan rumah. bayangkan aku pagar yang sangat patuh arahan tuan aku, ibu kau. aku larang kau keluar. aku keraskan diri aku. aku tak bagi kau keluar. tolong faham.


dan bayangkan kau berkali-kali, berhari-hari memaksa aku untuk buka diri aku bagi meloloskan diri kau. tapi kuat mana pun kau goncang aku, kuat mana pun kau tendang aku, aku tetap tak akan terbuka.


dan bayangkan suatu hari, kau paksa aku untuk buka diri aku. so kau boleh keluar. bayangkan, untuk sekian lama aku tahan diri aku dari sepak terajang kau, untuk membolehkan kau keluar, tapi kali ini aku rasa aku dah tak boleh tahan. 


jadi aku lepaskan kau keluar.