milky hair

in the process of realizing the concept of sacrifice and other new things i thought i already understood and etcetera etcetera. 

i think i am a devastation but in the form of human being. living human being. or am i dying? i am not sure myself. all the fears are approaching little by little. and i can see them very clearly now they are making their ways. lethargic, really. seeing but i cant prepare anything. i always thought i am the godfather. but things changes. and narcissistic is not a good trait.

i think i sacrificed a lot these days. i think. im so sure that i think about it almost all the time because that thought occupies my mind like each seconds of my ((young)) existence. i think i am slowly adapting and accepting my mediocre sacrifices and i am surprised of myself really how i even can not wanting something in exchange. (i lied).

maybe people sacrificed for me too. maybe people do big things for me too. maybe people love me too. may be i dont see it. yet. maybe i was too driven away by these thoughts that none of these people i cared cares to care about me. maybe i was fooled by myself that maybe i just worry too much. maybe im too negative. maybe im too overthinking, perhaps? 

"i sacrificed a lot for you, why are you still picking fights with me? why do you still treating me like shit? why do you still make me sakit hati?" and then i think, shiz man, tak ikhlas ke apa sial. so i converted it to draft, and kept it in folders. but sampai bila, to keep it in the dark, no one would notice how i exactly felt.

maybe i am just stupid. well that explains the whole thing.